Is My Marriage Solid?

I just came back from having a few drinks with a close friend.  We didn’t know each other five years ago – we met when our oldest children were in kindergarten together – and have managed to build a strong friendship since then.  It always amazes me how difficult it is to form close friendships after college.  There is something magical about the intense, shared experience of college coupled with the fact that that is the time when we are finally coming into our own as people (I hesitate to use the term “adults” since I didn’t display a whole lot of adult behavior between the ages of 18 and 22).

Anyway, we were talking about our families and our relationships with our wives and we stumbled upon this startling conclusion:  Every man we know is grappling, struggling with the same fundamental question in his personal life:  Is my marriage solid?  There are two facts of life conspiring to make the lives of American men aged 30-50 more challenging right now.  Forgive me the gross over-simplification, but I think it’s necessary to make my point.

First, as we age, most of us slow down; we have a decreasing amount of energy at our command.  There may well be exceptions, but I haven’t met them.

Second, as we move from newly-weds to empty-nesters, the demands on that diminishing energy pool change dramatically.

Early in marriage, our robust energy is focused on the marriage and budding careers.  As we move into our late thirties and forties, careers get more time-consuming and kids hit the stage.  Not a lot of time to focus on our wives or even ourselves.  This is the stage when most of us fall out of shape and out of love.  Love in the romantic sense; our marital relationships are more important than ever, but for many of us our passion for our kids is more evident than our passion for our wives.  As the kids mature and gain independence – and here I’m conjecturing since I am not there yet – the kids consume less energy which means we can begin to focus on our wives again.

I saw my own parents go through this evolution.  There was a time when 110% of their time was consumed by kids and work, but now that they are semi-retired grandparents, their marriage seems to have regained a richness and levity that didn’t exist when I was living at home.

Why am I bothering to write this?  Because I think this is a universal issue associated with all young families.  It is easy to give up hope, to forget why you married your wife in the first place; to figure that your marriage will go downhill as time passes.  But that’s doesn’t have to be the case.  In fact, there are things you can do today to rekindle your optimism and commitment to your marriage.

• Don’t give up the faith.  Recognize that the doldrums you may perceive have more to do with your stage of life than your connection with your wife.  At some point you and your wife will both have more time to devote to your relationship.  I can’t say when, but I know that kids become more independent over time which restores energy to your marital relationship.

• Re-prioritize your relationship.  If you can see a light at the end of the tunnel – a rich, bright light – it is easier to commit more attention to it.  Dare to believe that you will turn a corner at some point, and you will find yourself putting more thought into maintaining a good marriage.

• Look for the easy wins.  Most of us overlook chances to score huge points by doing the little things.  Take out the garbage without being asked, buy some flowers on the way home from work on a Friday, surprise her with a babysitter and a night out… These things don’t take a lot of time or energy, but they help our wives see that we are committed to our relationships.  And that, in turn, will inspire them to respond.

I’m no marriage counselor, but I’ve talked to enough friends to believe what I’m telling you.  I think women discuss the state of their marital relationships with their friends all the time; men never do.  And because we don’t, we have no support system to bolster us when we tire.  Wouldn’t it be nice if we men dared to talk about the universal challenges we face as fathers and husbands?  We’d all feel a lot better.

Make the Most of the Holidays

Tonight was the annual Fifth Grade Holiday Concert at my kids’ elementary school.  71 fifth graders took the stage and did a bang up job singing an assortment of holiday songs from a variety of cultures and faiths including Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Hanukkah.

There were no solos and nobody stood out as a future American Idol winner, but I left the concert feeling really good about our school community.  As a father, I walked away with a few thoughts that may help me to help my kids as they mature:

• Instill the courage to try something new.  The stage was full of kids who probably don’t think of themselves as performers or musicians, and many of them looked awkward and nervous, but they were all immensely satisfied at having been part of the show.  I’m guessing that given the chance to sing in a chorus again, many of them would jump at it.

• Accept them for who they are.  The auditorium was full of parents and younger siblings who were smiling the whole time.  Why?  Because they were all proud of the fifth graders who invested the time to learn the songs and took the risk of performing in front of a crowd.  There was a palpable feeling of unconditional appreciation for the kids on stage.

• Motivate them to enrich their community.  Elementary schools organize small-scale events all the time that adults may think are a little corny.  Pajama day, crazy hair day, school spirit day… these are the types of events that hold diminishing interest for kids as they get older.  Our kids grow up too fast.  In general, most first graders are psyched to wear their pajamas school, but by the time they are 10 or 11 far fewer students are willing to play along.  They don’t want to risk looking silly.  An enthusiastic adult (in this case, the music teacher) has the ability to inspire those reticent students to take those kinds of risks, and in so doing they build a sense of tradition and shared experience within their school communities.

These are the kinds of values that are best taught experientially and they represent classic “teachable moments.”  As you roll through the holiday season, you will have many opportunities to influence how your kids spend their time.  Seize the opportunities to let your kids experience the impact that they can make on the world through their generosity, love, and participation in holiday traditions.  Here are a few ideas:

• Carve out some time to make (not buy) presents for friends and family.
• Go shopping as a family to buy presents for Toys for Tots or similar organizations.
• Gather up old hats, mittens, and clothing to be donated to Goodwill.
• Set aside one night for the whole family to decorate your house for the holidays.

These types of activities too often fall by the wayside during the busy holiday season, but any one of them can make a lasting impression on our kids and equip them to make the world a better place.

Kids and the Economy

Discouraging economic news is everywhere; nobody knows where the US economy is headed. These are incredibly complicated issues that few adults fully understand. How can we help our kids through these times? Whatever we can do to avoid transferring our own stress onto them is worth consideration.

Here’s my first suggestion:  Shield your kids from what’s happening.

Mitchell Rosen is a family therapist who recently posted on the importance of parents protecting kids from their own economic worries.  Here’s an excerpt:

Kids aren’t stupid; they can sense the anxiety in their parents’ voices.

What I tell the mothers and fathers is this: “If you are OK, you’re kids are going to be OK. If you panic, your kids will panic. What they need to hear is not how everything is rosy but rather they will always be provided for. They may not get an iPod for Christmas, the family home may be in foreclosure but mom and dad will make certain they have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.” The family will be fine.

The children, however, don’t need to hear parents arguing when a bill comes or deciding which obligation to pay and which to put off. What they need to hear is that mom and dad are still in charge and they can continue being kids. Source

This makes good sense and is consistent with some advice a friend gave me last week.  Because we cannot control the stock market, we should limit the time we spend consuming bad news, following the daily ups and downs of the stock market, and tracking our own portfolios.  And he’s right.  Consumers who try to time stock market fluctuations usually sell low and buy high.

As parents, we have no control over these unfolding events, and our kids have even less.  I’m going to do whatever I can to shield my kids from the ups and downs.

Want to talk about this?  Visit Helping Kids in a Tough Economy on SchoolPulse.

“How Much Do I Cost?”

Two unrelated stories with similar origins:

#1:  My family and I were walking through a furniture store today and I overheard a boy (probably 9 years old) asking his father, “How much do I cost each week?”  The dad chuckled, but I couldn’t hear his reply.

#2:  I was in a board meeting last week at which the company’s management presented a budget for 2009.  As we talked it through, we realized that none of us had the foggiest notion how much growth to expect next year.  And this from a company that doubled revenues in 2008 vs. 2007.

What’s the common thread?  It’s the economy, and our kids know something big is amiss.  We have a bunch of friends in financial services; a couple have already been let go and the rest are understandably anxious.  At a dinner party on Saturday night a woman revealed that her husband’s dream of retiring five years from now would have to be pushed back at least 5-7 years.  I know two families looking at selling their houses to move into apartments.  Think their kids know what’s going on?  I bet they do.

The angle that’s not getting much play is the impact on kids.  I posted recently on the stress that American kids are under – and that post had nothing to do with the economy!  Kids are perceptive and even the young ones are sure to understand that something big and bad has happened in the outside world.  It will be difficult for we parents to shield our conversations and concerns from our children.  I haven’t been through this kind of a crisis before, but I have three suggestions that may help protect our children from bearing the brunt of all this uncertainty:

1. Listen closely.  If your child is stressed about the economy, she needs your help sorting through those concerns.  Don’t let your own anxiety eclipse your children’s fears or questions.
2. Speak carefully.  The vocabulary of this crisis – liquidity, interest rates, mortgage backed securities – is foreign to our children.  If they ask, answer their questions in words they understand that won’t inflame their fears.
3. Be patient.  We are never as patient when we are stressed.  Make an effort to maintain an even keel around the house.  Remember:  It’s not their fault, so don’t take it out on them.

Our kids are depending on us more than ever.  Don’t add to their stress!

The American Dream is Back!

The networks just declared Barack Obama as winner of the presidential election.  This is a watershed moment for America, with power shifting from the previous generation to the next generation.  The most encouraging aspect for me is the turnout of young voters, including all the elementary, middle, and high school students who were involved in mock debates and elections.

All three of my elementary-aged kids had the chance to vote for president yesterday.  The result in our school was directionally accurate – 376 votes for Obama vs. 89 votes for McCain – and reflects the enthusiasm our kids feel for this dynamic new president.  Whether you supported McCain or Obama, you can’t understate the impact this election will have on our kids and their perception of what this country stands for.

40% of the “millennial generation” – kids born between 1977 and 1995 – are minorities.  For years we have heard about a growing wealth gap, low performing inner city schools, and a variety of glass ceilings that have stubbornly refused to be broken.  This election will restore the idea of the American Dream.

This morning I brought my two older kids to our polling place to give them the chance to participate in the making of history.  They couldn’t vote, but they had the chance to see our democracy in action.  I hope it is a day they will remember for the rest of their lives.

Don’t Overdo It

Halloween ranks #2 in my house (a surprisingly close second to Christmas) and we have a blast every year.  Last night, I realized that Halloween is a microcosm for one of the parenting issues that challenges me most:  How to give our kids rich experiences without overdoing it.

I rolled in just after 4:30 to a kitchen full of excited kids.  My four were dressing up as a bumble bee, Darth Vader, a scary clown, and Sarah Palin.  My wife was a witch (no reflection on her personality!) and I was a “class nerd.”  I can’t imagine why my kids picked out that politically incorrect one for me, but the photo will convince you that I am dedicated to Halloween!

After painting faces, finding the candy buckets, and about a million photographs, we walked down the street to our neighbors (Daisy’s good friend’s) for dinner with four other families.  Oh – we didn’t all walk down the street, just the three younger kids and me since Johanna had to bring our 11-year old to her friend’s house for dinner and trick-or-treating (they live in the neighborhood that is Halloween central in our town).  There were 14 kids at the Vaughn’s (one told me that their ages total 80, so you can imagine the age range) and they were all excited.  We had less than an hour (Johanna only had 42 minutes) to feed, eat, guzzle a glass of wine, and try to squeeze in a bit of adult conversation.  I managed to fit in about 10 minutes of quality conversation with a mom whom I don’t see enough of, and we were just getting into it when we realized we had to leave if we were going to meet the other families with whom we were going to trick-or-treat (Tucker’s posse) in another neighborhood.  “Come on, Toby is waiting… Daisy, we’ll see Fallon again soon… You can do the scavenger hunt here next year… Hurry up!”  We hustled up the street, decided to take two cars since the little guys might need to get home earlier than the olders, and convoyed over to Independence Road.  As we cruised the neighborhood, assuring Tucker that no, we weren’t late and no, he wouldn’t miss any of the fun with his friends, we found the group.  “Hey Tucker – we’ve already been to like 25 houses!  Look how much candy we have.”  Ouch.  “Mom! You promised!”  He piled out to join his buddies, we left our SUVs on the side of the road, and quickly realized we should have made a better plan.  Tucker ran off ahead, Johanna and Daisy joined the back of that pack, and 4-year old Chester struggled to figure out what the hell was going on.  He and I hung together, within view but perpetually behind everybody else, and were having a good time when word filtered back that the third graders had exhausted the supply of houses on Independence and were going to relocate to another neighborhood.  Four families piled into six cars and drove two miles to Halloween central – Hubbard Street – which  was a ZOO.  I drove past Scout (Sarah Palin) on the way to the hastily agreed point of departure, so I couldn’t stop, but I arrived too late to embark with Tucker (who had traveled in another vehicle) or Daisy (who traveled in yet another).  Chester and I meandered from house to house, occasionally catching view of my other kids, clinging to my wife’s iPhone (she had taken my Blackberry and gone to find Scout) for text updates on who was where, spending no more than a minute at any particular house… It was a frenzy.  I didn’t do any trick-or-treating with my older three (they were always ahead of me or somewhere else) but they had a great time.

Halloween a family event?  I hardly saw my kids or my wife.  Did they have fun?  Absolutely, but in my opinion we crammed too much into too little time.  Am I just getting old?  Perhaps.  Maybe this is simply the way kids start to develop independence from their parents… I guess the first neighborhood was aptly named.

If my kids had fun, what’s the problem?  The problem is that kids rarely (ever?) say “no thanks” to an opportunity to do something fun, and yet (I believe) constant activity without downtime contributes to stress in a big way.

I don’t know if this is making sense – it’s a complex set of issues that I’m just beginning to come to grips with myself – but let me offer an observation that is top of mind for me the day after Halloweeen:

Don’t try to do too much.  Less truly is more, and our kids shouldn’t be overly conscious (let alone slaves) of the clock.  If we are asking our kids to measure their days in minutes, we are not doing our jobs.

Last night, we tried to do too much.

American Kids are Stressed

Yes, it’s true.  Those of you who are familiar with SchoolPulse know that we are trying to simplify life for busy families.  Our focus is on parents – including the parents who volunteer their time generously to lead extracurricular activities for their children – and we are focused on bringing some sanity to their busy schedules.

Over the past few days, I have developed a new sense of awareness of the unintended (and underappreciated) consequences on children.  Consider these experts:

• “According to the most recent data, the lifetime prevalence for anxiety disorders as a whole in adults is about 25%; the frequency in children is unknown, but felt to be significantly underreported and under-diagnosed… What does seem to be developing in the medical literature is the consensus that many “adult” psychiatric disorders have their first (although perhaps subtle or ignored) manifestations in childhood.”  Source

• “The combined prevalence of… anxiety disorders is higher than that of virtually all other mental disorders of childhood and adolescence (Costello et al., 1996). The 1-year prevalence in children ages 9 to 17 is 13 percent.”  Source
• “If your child has too little free time, help him or her change his or her schedule to make time for relaxation and play… Parents may want to examine their own schedules. Often a parent’s hectic schedule will cause a child to be stressed or nervous about the things he or she is doing.”  Source

The evidence among families I know is decidedly less scientific, but no less alarming.  Over the past few days, my wife brought up the topic of childhood anxiety with four friends, and three of them (that’s 75%) revealed that one or more of their children had seen counselors for help with anxiety issues.  It’s no surprise, really.

• Most public schools give kids 20 minutes or less to eat lunch.
• Many kids participate in co- and extracurricular activities before and after school.
• We are all too familiar with the challenge of assembling the whole family at meal times.
• Weekends are a blur of sports, birthday parties, and play dates.
• The quantity of homework heaped on students of all ages seems to increase every year

In short, our kids are constantly on the go and have very little downtime.  What they need is the opportunity to unwind, to relax, to hang around the house, to experience less structure in their lives.  Family time is highly valued because it is so scarce.  It’s a sad commentary on the age in which we live.

Until recently, I hadn’t really focused on the opportunity for SchoolPulse to improve the quality of our children’s lives, but you can be sure I will in the future.

** UPDATE ** The 10/31 Boston Globe carried an AP story saying that as many as 20% of American children and teens may be affected by anxiety disorders.

Stories by Candlelight

My posts typically deal with the fairly weighty challenges facing American families – communication, scheduling, education, balance – with a social media spin.  Tonight, I’m taking a lighter approach with a practical idea to help you bring your chaotic family day to a close.

Do your kids ever want to go to bed?  Mine do not.  Tonight, rather than fight the usual fight, I headed upstairs with a lighted candle to find my two pajama-clad youngsters.  Candle in hand, I silently entered the room where they were playing, turned off the light, and announced quietly, “time for stories by candlelight.”  They immediately set aside their game, we set the candle on a stool in the middle of the room, and we each took a turn telling a story (and I captured some of it on my Flip Video).  It was a very smooth transition to bedtime.

Fallout for Families

Like you, I’ve been following the volatile developments in the financial markets closely for the last couple weeks.  I have to admit that I’ve been more focused on how all these changes will impact me and my family than on how they might impact family life across America.  I read a story by the Wall Street Journal’s Sue Shellenbarger (author of the blog “The Juggle“) today that gave me a wake-up call.

Sue’s story, titled “Another Casualty Emerges From the Crisis: Family Time,” is worth a quick read (found it online here).  Beyond explaining how the economic crisis will force many parents to give up on their dreams of work-family balance, she suggests that fewer parents will have the opportunity to volunteer time as they are forced to spend more time on paid employment.

A friend suggested the other day that our children may grow up with the same outlook at the children of the Depression.  While I don’t think it’s going to be that severe, most school-aged kids are going to pick up on the fact that something big is going on and will want to understand what and why.  The thing I’ve found frustrating is attempting to explain what went wrong.  I’ve been a student of business my entire life, and yet I cannot give an explanation that is sufficiently succinct to satisfy my two older kids’ curiosity without exceeding their attention spans.  I talk, they listen, they cock their heads, I try again, and finally they give me the “okay Dad, we don’t need to know” look and walk away.

Last week’s events will leave a lasting mark on our economy and, in most cases, our families and children.  How are you handling this conversation with your kids, and what resources have you found to give them an age-appropriate explanation?

TBS Fails the Judgment Test

It’s 11:50 pm and the Red Sox just beat the Angels to win the American League Division Series.  With Tampa Bay on deck later this week, I should feel great, but I don’t.  The culprit?  The advertising executives at TBS.

This series is being broadcast on TBS which seems to have no sensitivity to the fact that kids like to watch baseball, and their loving parents sometimes let them stay up to watch playoff games.  Not the whole game – it’s a school night after all – but we let our 11 and 9 year old kids watch the first hour.  An hour which included a number of ads with content that is totally inappropriate for young kids.  Three examples:

• Viagra.  Have you seen the one where the husband finds his wedding tuxedo in the attic, puts it on and surprises his wife before sweeping her into his arms and carrying her upstairs?  Gee, I wonder what they have in store.  And what kid won’t pick up on the disclaimer, delivered in Dolby digital surround sound, to “ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex.”  Great.
• Sex Drive. This is a teen comedy about a horny teenager who decides to drive across the country with his two best friends to, you guessed it, hook up with a girl he met online.  “What’s that movie about, Dad?”  “Gee, I’m not sure, but from the title I’d guess it’s about a race car driver.”

And here’s the capper:

• Zak and Miri Make a Porno.  This wholesome slice of Americana 2008 tells the riveting story of two friends who are short on cash and need to make some money.  Get a job?  Start a business?  Nah, too traditional.  How about we make a pornographic film together!  I’m no prude, but the suggestive trailer for this one should be rated R or worse.

These ads were all shown between 8:00 and 9:00 tonight – that’s prime time – and left my wife and me scrambling to respond to our kids’ puzzled, curious expressions.

What are these media executives thinking?  Do they take no responsibility for the content they broadcast into millions of homes?  Is the ad market so distressed that they have no choice but to show these ads during prime time?  You’ll probably say I’m naive or nostalgic, but what I crave more than anything is room to explain to my kids all the important, complex issues related to sex when my wife and I feel they are ready.  TBS is stealing that privilege and forcing my kids to confront topics they are not yet prepared to understand.  And Major League Baseball is complicit.  I love the Red Sox too much to boycott TBS right now, but you can be sure I will take steps to prevent my kids from watching those ads.  Thank goodness for my Comcast DVR.

Chaotic Family Syndrome

There is a national epidemic afflicting American parents:  Chaotic Family Syndrome (CFS).  It starts around the time that their first child enters elementary school and intensifies steadily as their children get older.  In time, it takes complete control of their lives.  The symptoms?  Fatigue, tension, crankiness, and total loss of perspective.  My wife and I are suffering in spades.

The disease starts innocently enough.  When we were first married — long before we caught the bug — we imagined a family of three or four kids who would hang around the house reading, organize pick up games with the neighborhood kids, and engage in thoughtful discussions around the dinner table each night.  Our fist two children were born in 1997 and 1999 and for a long time it looked like we would be able to pull it off.  But when our oldest entered elementary school, we were exposed to a variety of opportunities.  Should we enroll her in Brownies?  Soccer?  Gymnastics?  Maybe an art class?  We have always respected “well-rounded” people and wanted her to be one of them.  And all the new friends — how stimulating!  There were birthday parties, field trips, play dates… What wasn’t to like?

Fast forward five years.  We now have four kids, three of whom are in elementary school, and we are suffering mightily from CFS.  My weekend was probably a lot like yours:  three soccer games, two birthday parties, Sunday school, lunch with their grandparents, a couple hours of swimming with friends (each of our kids invited one) at the local pool.  By the time Sunday night arrived, we were completely exhausted.  By Monday morning, I could hardly remember what we had done over the weekend.  It was a blur.

Family life in America has become chaotic, exhausting, and extraordinarily difficult for parents to manage.  Have you ever felt like selling your house, moving to a farm, and growing your own food?  Have you ever met a parent who didn’t feel completely under water most of the time?  Who has enough time to take care of themselves or pursue their own interests?  I probably have — but not more than once or twice.

CFS wouldn’t be a problem if it didn’t eventually affect our kids, but it does.  I conceived SchoolPulse as a solution to this problem, the hope being to buy back a few hours of time each week by streamlining the process of managing all those children’s activities.  Consolidating all those schedules, permission slips, and discussions in one place will certainly help, but none of us will ever be cured of CFS unless we are willing to admit that our lives are out of control and rationalize the number of activities in which our kids are involved.  A little more downtime, a little less stress, a little more family time would be healthier for all of us… and for our kids.

Daring Dads to Get Involved

The PTA is the domain of the mothers.  Based on my own experience and observations, fathers have a much easier time getting involved with their kids’ extracurricular activites — coaching is the most common, and other activities like scouting coming in a distant second.  This summer, I did some informal research, asking our friends how they get involved.  Nearly all — at least 90% — of the moms I asked (most of whom do not work full time outside the home) are active members of their schools’ PTAs or volunteer regularly in the classroom as room parents, event organizers, and field trip chaperones.  I could not find a single dad who claimed membership in his local PTA.

Last week, I gave a presentation on SchoolPulse to an auditorium full of room parents.  Of the 50 parents present, only 1 was male.  I know the fathers care about their kids just as much as the mothers, and I know the fathers care deeply about the schools their kids attends, and yet they aren’t involved in school-based activities.  Why not?

• Perception.  There is a broad perception that moms and PTAs go together.  Can you name a single PTA where fathers make up more than 5% of the active parents?  I’d like to hear about it.
• Company.  The dads like to be involved in activities with other dads.  I think that’s one reason that coaching is such an easy choice for dads.  Even in girls sports, dads are heavily represented as coaches.
• Time.  I think that a lot of PTA-related work happens during the work day, giving a lot of us dads an easy out.  “We have to earn a buck — how can we possibly get involved?”

I’d like to find a way to get more dads involved.  Can you imagine how cool it would be if more of us played a part in our local PTAs?  I think the moms would welcome the help, both because it would relieve some of the burden (we know that recruiting volunteers is always a challenge) and it would create more opportunities to do things together, as a couple and as families  I also think the kids would welcome it, and it would provide a good opportunity to show our children that dads can be involved, too.

Let’s break down the barriers that inhibit the involvement of dads.  It’s going to take a few daring dads in each school community to get the ball rolling — some real trailblazers — and I really think it can be done.  Here are a few ideas to help you get the ball rolling; ideas that I am going to pursue in my kids’ elementary school.

• Recruit 3-5 other dads who would like to be involved but don’t know where to start.  I’m going to call mine a “support group” that will meet monthly, providing dads the chance to get to know other dads over a few beers.  We might even play poker or go to baseball games together.  Women have book groups — why shouldn’t men have support groups?
• Schedule a kickoff meeting at a local watering hole.  Make it social, invite a bunch of fathers, and spend a few minutes (and only a few minutes!) at the beginning explaining the concept without being too heavy handed about it.
• Work with the PTA moms to find ways to put this new “support group” to work.  I hope the dads will respond to the opportunity to provide the “man”ual labor before and after PTA-sponsored social events, carnivals, science nights, and holiday celebrations

My hope is that by offering an opportunity to socialize with other dads under the banner of providing a resource for their kids, other dads like me will respond.  Who knows… we may be able to start a revolution!

Enduring Traditions Made Easy

The start of the school year means the return of structure to many families.  I know it does for us, and this September I’ve been thinking about the role that traditions play in kids’ lives and just how little it takes to create the kind of memories that will stick with your kids for a lifetime!

Yes, I said “just how little it takes to create” traditions.  It is easy to perceive tradition as something that is established over years or decades, but it doesn’t have to take that long and it doesn’t require a lot of time on your part (good thing — you don’t have enough).  I’ll give you some recent examples from my family.

First Day of School Picture.  Every year we line the kids up on the front step and take their picture before the bus comes.  They’re usually shouldering the new backpacks my wife got them (choosing those from the LL Bean catalog is a ritual unto itself, what with the ability to select style, color, animal embroidery, names or initials…), carrying their new lunch boxes, and wearing a new outfit if we managed to get our back-to-school shopping done before the first day (didn’t happen this year).  The kids love to see those pictures and they never fail to remind us.  That’s a tradition that takes mere minutes a year – but as Kodak would say, provides a lifetime of memories.

Birthday Overnight.  We have four kids and we tend to move in a pack, which means we don’t spend much time alone with any one child.  Best case in a typical day, we might spend 10-15 minutes at bedtime talking or reading together.  So two years ago, I invented a new tradition:  when a child turns nine (yes, my oldest turned nine in 2006 which is the reason we chose that odd year) I take him or her into Boston for the night.   We don’t schedule anything, but there is plenty to do, and mostly it’s about hanging out together, having those focused discussions that are so rare in the daily chaos, and creating some memories that will persist through the years.  This past weekend, Tucker and I went into Boston where we explored baseball card shops, got room service and a movie, and visited the Aquarium before heading home Sunday in time for his friend’s birthday party.  With two such trips under my belt, it is a lock for tradition.

Red Sox Scoreboard on the Roof.  Well, this may not be super easy or work in every locale, but my kids are Red Sox fanatics and last year we started a “tradition” of posting a mini version of the famous Green Monster scoreboard over our front porch.  The first time around, I did most of the design work and didn’t have a lot of help erecting the 8×3 foot structure.  Once it was up, though, there everybody took turns updating the score after (and sometimes during) every game so that morning commuters get the right information.  We had our 15 minutes of fame when the story was picked up by two Boston television stations.  Commuters routinely honk, wave, and thank us through their car windows, and this year all four kids got hands on with the project as we touched up the paint, mod-podged number and team plates, and hoisted the sign to its traditional place.  We won’t be too popular if we let this tradition die (unless the Sox have a losing season, in which case fans may find it painful to see the daily standings).

It is easy for me to recall any number of traditions from my own childhood, yet when I analyze them closely, I often find that they were things that only happened a couple of times.  And that’s not a jab at my parents, but a nod at their knackfor creating experiences that have stuck with me for decades.  Most of the traditions I recall involve my parents and siblings, and I find myself sharing those stories with my own kids.  I appreciate those memories — they’re a big part of who I am today — and nothing would make me happier than for my own kids to have a lot of happy memories of their fleeting years with us.

Our Summer Games

We came home early from our vacation in Maine because we were all waterlogged and had exhausted our inventory of rainy day games.  If your vacation is still ahead of you, and if the Summer Games in Beijing aren’t enough, here are a few ideas for how to entertain your kids when the weather isn’t cooperating.

Cool Whip Treasure Hunt.  Buy a few drums of Cool Whip — one for every participant — and mix in some healthy bounty like strawberries or apple slices (5-10 slices is a good number).  The kids race to see who can find all the pieces first — without using their hands!  It’s messy and sugary but the kids had an absolute blast.

Marshmallow Stuffing.  No, this isn’t about ‘smores, it’s a fresh take on the Blue Man scene where one actor tosses about 30 marshmallows to another actor who catches every single one in his mouth.  We let the kids stuff as many marshmallows as they could into their own mouths.  Our champion fit 6.

Fitness + Fun.  Many seasoned parents would say that vacation is more exhausting than the school year, and we try to bring along someone to look after the kids now and again.  You gotta be able to go out to dinner with your wife, right?  We had a wonderful babysitter with us who liked to work out every day, which made this game possible.  Throw a kid on her back and see how many push-ups she can do!

Minature Shipyard.  Our little guy has a real penchant for Legos, Hot Wheels, and Thomas the Tank Engine, which I am convinced is driven by birth order.  The fourth child simply cannot compete for attention with the older ones, and that results in a lot more independence and self-sufficiency.  Not bad traits to have.  We bought him a $10 ship building kit and he spent hours, yes hours, creating his own pirate ship.  Not a pretend pirate ship, but a real one.  If you’re on the east cost in August steer clear of the 10-gun frigate with the multi-colored hull.  It might be Red Beard.

Camp Skits.  If you’ve been to camp you know there are lots of great skits that are good for some good laughs.  Remember the heffalump?  Kiddackle, kiddackle?  We revived the one where one person hides under a sheet with her arms wrapped around the the other person, whose arms are tucked behind her and inside the sheet.  This creates the appearance of one person who, inexplicably, is totally uncoordinated.  They entertained us with a “morning routine” of tooth brushing, hair brushing, shaving, eating cereal, even applying make-up.  Belly laughs and great photos guaranteed.

Mudding.  Have lemons, make lemonade.  Have rain, go mudding!  This is not for the faint of heart.  Grab a few friends and go to the local baseball field which is sure to be full of puddles and soft mud.  If your kids are game, they can strip down to their skivvies, though that’s not essential.  What is essential is that they roll in the mud, throw mud at each other, and dance in the rain.  It’s amazing what kids will do to entertain themselves.

So there you have it: My family’s best ideas for rainy day entertainment.  If we ever see the sun again, I may be able to share some ideas for fun in the sun.

Enjoy the rest of your summer – and check out the new SchoolPulse when you get back!

Healthy Competition

My wife and I had dinner with some friends last night and we were talking about (what else?) our kids and their summer activities.  Our 10-year kids both went away to overnight camps for the first time this summer, my daughter to Camp Mont Shenandoah in Virginia and their son to Camp Deerwood in New Hampshire.  Both camps are traditional,  single sex camps that emphasize the outdoors and have a long tradition of competition.  At Scout’s camp, the camp is divided into the Greens and the Buffs; at John’s, it was the Blues and the Grays.  Strong individual and team performances in all the activities over the camp session translate into team points, and one team is declared the winner at the end of the summer.  As we talked, we realized that the day camps that our other kids attended also encouraged competition between campers (including awards like Junior Camp Female Athlete of the Year and a Golden Arrow for the top archer).

So here’s the question:  Why has healthy competition been banned from most public schools?

Competition is fundamental.  It is unavoidable.  It is a great teacher.  And yet as far as I can tell, our public schools do everything they can to minimize open competition.  Here are a few examples I have noticed over the past few years:

• Our elementary school has a track and field day where no ribbons are awarded to the fastest runners, the longest jumpers, or the farthest throwers.
• Our high school eliminated superlatives from its yearbook because it didn’t want anybody’s feelings to be hurt
• Our local paper stopped publishing the Honor Roll after receiving complaints from parents of kids who didn’t make it

Now I have not done a comprehensive survey on this issue (and would welcome your comments below!) but I think you will agree that this “shelter our kids from competition” trend has permeated parenting culture in much of the country.  I think it’s a shame and I think it’s the wrong answer.  What’s healthy about competition?

• It teaches sportsmanship and teamwork.  All the stuff about what you learn on a team is cliche’ and absolutely true.
• It helps build self-esteem.  Competition is the best way for a child to affirm that they are good at something; much better, in fact, than a parent’s praise.
• It helps children learn where they’re strong and where they can improve.  As they mature, it is important for kids to have an honest understanding of their own capabilities; delusion helps nobody.
• It prepares them for life.  The world is a competitive place, and I believe that kids should be raised to understand that.

Now obviously, competition has to be properly governed.  Kids need effective coaches to ensure fair play, teach sportsmanship, and draw the right lessons from the experience.  I am the first to acknowledge that it’s never easy to see your children lose, but properly handled, those disappointments are great “teaching moments” and we owe it to our kids to give them an honest view of their capabilities.

Harry Pottery

Vacation is supposed to be full of sunny days and outdoor activities.  I mean, that’s the stuff we all remember most, right?  My family and I are on vacation on Mt. Desert Island in Maine (home of Acadia National Park) and the weather has not been cooperating with my vacation vision.  Lots of rain, cloudy skies, and fog.  What I’ve discovered, though, is that kids have an amazing ability to thrive in any kind of weather — particularly when the parents stop projecting their own expectations of a good vacation!  Today was a perfect example of that.

I have four kids — ages 10, 8, 6, and 4 — and the poor weather precluded us from doing any of our preferred activities (boating, hiking, whiffle ball, bike riding and just about everything else outdoors). We had heard about a place in Bar Harbor where you can paint pottery.  As soon as my youngest heard about it (he’s the guy who is best at entertaining himself with Legos, trains, cars… a coping skill that many youngest children seem to develop) he insisted that we take him to “Harry Pottery.”  In response to his enthusiasm and creative name association, everybody agreed that it probably wouldn’t be that bad.

Well, not only was it not that bad, but everybody had so much fun that I had a hard time pulling them away after two hours!  I never would have guessed that they would like it so much, and I actually had a really good time myself (I decorated a keepsake box for a young couple whose wedding we are in next weekend).  I guess you could say this was one of those “teachable moments” for me.   What did I learn (again)?

• Kids are inherently creative and get a big thrill out of making stuff.  My kids are no Michelangelos, and their color choices and brush precision could use some work, but they felt really good about what they created.
• Kids are often more open-minded than we are.  Too often we direct our kids toward mainstream activities — think soccer, scouting, gymnastics, and more soccer.  Remember that they are sponges, soaking up new experiences, and we need to be careful not to pigeon hole them too early.  If they’ve never done it before, they’ll probably enjoy it (at least the first time).
• Kids love to do just about anything with their parents.  They usually won’t admit it, but most kids enjoy spending time with their parents.  This probably changes with adolescence, but thank goodness we’re not there yet.  Family life is busy and hectic and we should find ways to spend quality time with our kids.  Sound cliche’, but it’s true.

The last point is the one that means the most to me.  How many times have we all been reminded, “Kids grow up so fast.  Enjoy them now.”  Our typical school year routine is hectic and rarely presents opportunities to do what we did today.  I am busy with work (I get a few hours a day max to see my kids) and they are busy with their activities.  Sometimes the simple, rainy day experiences are the one the kids (and the parents!) appreciate most.  You will be surprised how happy your kids can be doing Harry Pottery with you!

Fire as Teacher

My family had one of those experiences last night that will surely stay with us for a very long time.  Our summer vacations to Northeast Harbor, Maine are always jam-packed with family and friends who converge on the same town every summer for a lot of good times.  Last night’s experience was new and different.

On Monday night we were nestled all snug in our beds in our house at the end of Main Street, the town’s modest commercial center consisting of a market, three restaurants, the newspaper store, a wooden toy store, a couple antique shops, and a mix of galleries amd boutiques.  At around 2:30 a.m. on Tuesday I was awoken by a bunch of yelling outside.  My initial thought was that it was some of the boisterous college students who come into town each summer to work in those stores and restaurants, but a glance across the street proved me wrong.  I saw fire pouring out of the roof of Colonel’s Bakery, the place my four kids and I have breakfast most days.  I called to my wife who came running to look out the window with me.  My 8-year old son heard us and came out of his room, too.  We walked out the front door to the edge of Main Street where we had a front row seat to a riveting show.  The first fire truck had just arrived and people were running down the street, knocking on doors and calling up to windows of the apartments that sit atop most of the retail stores.  Within 15 minutes, there were no longer flames visible and it appeared that the fire was under control.  I ran inside to get my 10-year old daughter whom I thought would want to be part of an historic experience.  She came out and everything appeared very much under control.  I was afraid I had waited too long and that she had missed all the excitement.

Turns out I was wrong.  Not much later, a propane tank somewhere behind the restaurant (apparently the fire was more intense in the back, where we couldn’t see) exploded with an enormous boom, launching burning embers 200 feet into the night sky and into our front yard.  Recognizing that the fire had more room to run and that there was a real risk to our family, we decided to wake the our two younger kids and bring them to my in-laws a mile away.  We scrambled to gather clothes and kids and irreplaceable things like stuffed animals, digital cameras, baseball card collections, computers, and photos hanging on walls and sitting on surfaces.

Rather than retell what happened over the next 15 hours, I suggest you check out my photo stream on Flickr.  Suffice it to say that the fire would not quit.  It just kept burning despite hours and hours of water fired from at least five different 6-inch hoses.  It expanded into the adjacent buildings — Wingspread Gallery and the Joy Building — and by the end of today, it had claimed them, too.  All three buildings were demolished late this afternoon, about 15 hours after the fire had started.  Our house did not sustain any damage (credit goes to the wind who was graciously absent today) and we moved everyone back in this afternoon when we felt the danger had passed.

This was eye opening to me as a father.  I didn’t anticipate how traumatic this could be for children who have not been desensitized to violence and tragedy the way many adults have.  Why were my kids so strongly affected?

• They had never seen a real fire.  Certainly not in real life and probably not even on television.  This color of the flames, the sound of breaking glass, and the stench of the fire were all overpowering.  Don’t assume they won’t be scared and give them the opportunity to talk about it.
• They were attuned to our concern.  In deciding to evacuate the house, they heard “you are in danger” and this was definitely unsettling for them.  We have always promised to keep them safe and secure and they wanted to know what might have happened.  I tried to emphasize that we were never really in danger, but that we love them so much that we wanted to take every precaution to prevent anything bad from happening to them.
• The Colonel’s was their private dining room.  They ate there all the time, they knew the waitresses and the menu, they frequently ran over ahead of me to reserve a table.  They are feeling the loss in a very personal way.  We are encouraging them to think about how cool the “new” Colonel’s will be when we come back next year.

Our kids seem to confront all their fears just before we turn off their lights at night and tonight was particularly difficult.  Each child wanted to talk about the fire (funny — each commented independently that they wanted to share the story with their teacher and/or write about it when they get back to school in September), wanted to rehash the story, wanted to tell us that how sad they were that we wouldn’t be able to have breakfast at Colonel’s. My parents had a house fire 10 years ago and lost almost all of their personal possessions.  It was a horrible tragedy and that was the first time I learned that a fire could be like a death where survivors go through various phases of mourning.

Today I learned an important parenting lesson:  Children do not have the sophistication to recover from this type of trauma as quickly as an adult might.  Our contexts are dramatically different.  Adults know that “all good things must end” — an idea not easily comprehended by a child who sees the world through ingenuous, optimistic eyes.  A more difficult question is whether to force that reality on your children or shield them from it for as long as you can.  I tend to favor the second option.  Our kids will have plenty of time to learn life’s hard lessons.

Embrace the Chaos!

Today I received one of those sickeningly nostalgic emails from a distant friend.  It was all about the halcyon childhood of the baby boom generation:  Simpler times without the pervasive influence of modern media, Abercrombie & Fitch, and hyper-competitive parents.  I actually appreciated it — it rang true!

For years I have been one of those parents that aspires to preserve the innocence of childhood.  My four kids don’t watch a lot of TV, don’t spend much time on the computer, and are generally pretty sheltered from all the bad stuff that appears in the media (I have described them as “media retarded”).  Johanna and I really do believe that kids should be able to entertain themselves, and we have made a conscious effort not to commit them to too many activities at any given time.  We used to say one activity per season (usually a sport, sometimes an instrument), but as they have gotten older, we find ourselves breaking our own rule more and more regularly.

This spring, we had three kids in elementary school and one in pre-school.  The volume of commitments was overwhelming — three baseball teams, an orchestra, after school sports, a musical, an art class, Sunday school, a million birthday parties, and play dates on the rare day that something else wasn’t scheduled after school.  Weekends were almost comical:  “You go here with Scout, I’ll go there with Tucker and Daisy, then you’ll drop Scout with me and take Chester there, and I’ll drop off Daisy at her party… And then we’ll meet at home for lunch before the afternoon starts.”  It was all great — the kids have an absolute blast with their friends — but it was just plain exhausting for us all.  Johanna likes to quip, “We’ve been tired for about 10 years”.  We looked forward to the last day of school, the first day of summer, when things would surely slow down.  “But noooooooo…”

Summer has been almost as crazy.  First camps for the older 3, then family vacation with sailing and tennis lessons, scheduling lunches and dinners with the cousins, and can you believe that somebody had the audacity to invite the little guy to an ice cream party at 5:00 tonight?  Crazy!

I am not sharing this to provoke your sympathy.  We have chosen this busy life and we love every minute of it.  My point is that resistance is futile.  We are not living in the 1950s (have you seen June Cleaver in your neighborhood recently?) and face it, the world has become a very fast moving, competitive place.  Unless you have the courage to become Amish or move to Alaska, if your kids are growing up in America your life is going to be very, very busy.  So rather than complaining or wishing things were different, embrace this busy life and find ways to participate in all the good stuff your kids enjoy so much.

On the Road Again

Crazy mothers’ day weekend.  My wife left Friday afternoon for a spa weekend with 5 college girlfriends.  The 5 of us who stayed behind — my four young kids and I — had one of those crazy busy weekends.  A t-ball game, a baseball game, another baseball game, a mothers’ day breakfast with my mom, church, a baptism for my neice, a baseball practice, and another t-ball game… Totally frantic but fortunately, alot of fun.  Late today, after Johanna got back, I was able to take my first real bike ride of the season.  The weather was perfect — sunny, not too hot — and it felt so sweet to be out on the road again…

Any cyclists out there?  I ride with a group called the Monsters.  Come along if you live in the Boston area.

Passive Participants

I had a great conversation about SchoolPulse with a Thoreau School father this week. We were talking about that all-too-familiar parent-child exchange. You ask, “How was your day?” and your child answers, “Good.” You probe cautiously, “What did you do at school?” and your child answers, “Stuff.” Not too satisfying for the parent, but that’s how it goes.

Dan’s insight struck me. “At best,” he said, “We are just passive participants in the most formative years of our children’s lives.” While I had been pitching Dan on this grand, almost utopian vision of improving schools through broader community involvement, he keyed in on a very different, and perhaps more important need: Giving parents a richer flavor of what their children do at school

This could happen in a number of ways. Parents who volunteer in the classroom or on field trips often have cameras — I have some great pics from a recent trip with my daughter’s fourth grade class to Great Blue Hill. Let’s get those pictures posted for other parents to see. Teachers could share their newsletters, pictures of their classes at work, maybe even videos taken at the Turkey Trot or pep band competition. We could provide links to the great websites that many teachers already have.

The photos, videos, and commentary that we would all love to see are out there. The challenge is making them accessible to the rest of the school community.